I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Of course I have a pirate flag
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
