god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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