A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
