This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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