hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
