Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
