I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
