if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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