When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
