I need help removing her.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
