I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
