My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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