my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
