I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
