when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
