sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
