Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
