I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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