with your own penis?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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