why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
