I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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