If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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