sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
