The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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