The best revenge is premature balding
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
