I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
