Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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