I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
When are your genitals available?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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