I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
