I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
