I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
