If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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