Moan for me like Helen Keller
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
