the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
