the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
