Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
