Your face is a jimmy john
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
