and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
