You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
