Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
