I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
