I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
MIDGETS
????
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
