my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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