Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
