I think my fart just growled at me.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
