some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
