i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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