I just pynch a tree in the face
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
