i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
