I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Randomize
