the condom got lost in my hair
someone owes me an orgasm
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
