My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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