you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
