we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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